I’m a Bit Racist

Sigh, apparently so… and in lieu of the current events, I couldn’t have discovered it at a better time.  A few weeks ago, I was turned down a job because of my blog’s content.  “Well, you should have seen that coming!”  Okay dickhead, why don’t you hear me out?  Thanks (winky face).

Here’s the deal:

I work in entertainment (no biggie).  Jobs come and go.  My boss said that ours was about to go, and advised me to find a new work; he then jetted out the door, hopped on a plane, and took off to another country.

My brain sputtered as I tried to comprehend this unusual situation, but the grim reality eventually came crashing down: I was jobless, and had absolutely no leads on any means of cash flow.  How in the world would I afford uncuttable costs like food, rent, finger painting classes, student loans, etc.?

I had to do something.  I had to man up.  So, with a stack of resumes in my hand, I stormed into the TV department of a well-known studio, walked up to a group of important-looking people, and asked for a job.

They laughed, but admired my audacity, as well as my charm (of course), and said to come in for an interview the following week.  “That actually worked?! Oh goodie!!!”  I thought to myself as I did gay little dance of excitement in my head.  On the outside, though, I remained a statue of composure, and agreed to the interview.

Before leaving, I thanked them for their time, and apologized for the inconvenience, because I am one polite son of a bitch.  The gutsy move has forever changed me, i.e. my balls grew three sizes that day.  Fast forward to:

The interview—group interview—nailed it.  Everyone loved me.  Who wouldn’t?  Who couldn’t?  You shouldn’t.  I had it the bag.

I didn’t have it in the bag.  They later read Dan Ray Sucks.  They didn’t like Dan Ray Sucks.  That doesn’t bother me: it’s not for everyone.  What bothers me is why they didn’t like it.

Of all that this blog is (immature, foul, funny, disturbing, graphic, hilarious, insensible, shameful, genius, etc.), they dipped outside of the vast pool, and denied me a job on the basis that my blog is racist; a bit racist, to be more specific.  I’m not sure how something (or someone) can be just a bit racist; maybe I’m unaware of some tier system involving varying degrees of prejudice.  I don’t know.  That’s beside the point: Deeming my blog racist indirectly accuses me of being a bigot.

That’s offensive as hell.  Come to think, it also offends me that someone would be offended by a website dedicated to offending myself!  To ice the cake, with all the thought, hard work, and emotion (yeah, I have some of those) that goes into these writings, it’s disheartening to know how easily I can be belittled when someone read something the wrong way.

Well, this could have been my big chance, but I’m probably better off not working somewhere that’s too righteous/politically correct to take jokes.  Maybe what I should do is just embrace this newly discovered side of me; after all, we are (a bit) what others think we are.  This is why Dan Ray…cist Sucks, and if your comedy writing is holding you back from writing comedy, then you suck, too.

Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-fb/tweet/just tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums–I don’t care, just do it.
-Finally, I’m not racist, but I don’t have to tell you that.


Everyone wants to be loved, but more importantly, everyone wants to be “liked.”  All day, every day, people are crying out for attention online.  I find it to be highly entertaining, but also pretty pathetic…which is exactly why it’s entertaining.  Not that I don’t enjoy laughing at these pathetic ass holes, but what ever happened to confiding your problems to a close friend?  What ever happened to being happy with who you are?  I’ll tell you: social media happened.

It’s so easy to share anything with the world, and I guess some people get comfort in that feeling that someone is “always there” to know what’s going on in their life.  (Even though you never do know exactly what’s going on, because the person always leaves his/her status just vague enough to entice some other sorry ass hole, who spends too much time and energy devoted to facebook drama, to “like” the status, and maybe even inquire about it.)

It’s funny to me, because they’re getting such a false sense of security thinking that someone is actually concerned, because their status gets “liked”.  How much effort does it take to click a mouse?  You might think I’m just shooting smoke out of my ass hole, so here is a prime example of what these saps look like:

Then, you might see a comment like, “keep ur head up, i luv u!”  To which I would love to see a response along these lines:
Thank you so much.  Nothing brightens my day like reading a grammatically fucked up sentence from someone I haven’t talked to in five years.  I really appreciate the half-assed effort to cheer me up, but I should really talk to someone in private about my problems.  Whatever, that’s not as effective at getting my white trash drama out to the world. (White trash drama that I love reading.  I’m not joking; it’s like watching an episode of Jerry Springer.  I get such a kick from scrub posts.)

It’s not just the complainers who are desperate for attention; not by any means.  I’ve come up with some more great examples of these people you need to feel sorry for, because they actually have no friends.  Seriously, none.  Now, they might be nice and all; I’m not taking that away from them, but they’re obviously incredibly lonely.

How do I know they’re lonely?  Not only do they crave the attention, but they also need the satisfaction that comes from seeing “one new like.”  How do I know they crave, and need likes?  Their pictures are hashtagged to hell, and back: #fun #life #love #food #morefood #selfie #lonely #likeme #jesus #christ #get #a #life #and/or #friends

You know exactly who I’m talking about, but I still wanted to come up with a list.  I call it:
It’s obvious that I have no friends; therefore, I have to seek attention online, because…

please tell me i'm pretty, someone...anyone

i just look so ugly today, lol!


(I know I’m not fat, but I need to hear it.)

week 26, i'll keep posting pics as i grow

week 26! i’ll keep posting pics as i grow, b/c nothing says how happy I am by sharing it with everybody…not hiding anything here.

almost got da beach bod goin...need a cuple mor weeks, lol

almost got da beach bod goin…need a cuple mor weeks, lol (god, I’m so insecure)

lolz, random selfie!

lolz, random selfie!

Don't I look cool with my tortoise shades on? lol, posin'! lol

Don’t I look cool with my shades on? lol, 

Don't I look cooler with my tortoise shades off? Lolz

Don’t I look cooler with my shades off? Lolz

this holds a special place in my heart, so i'll put it up for like two days

this holds a special place in my heart, so i’ll have it up for like two days

Just me being silly at work, lol! (No, I'm not trying to show off, lol!)

Just me being silly at work, lol! (I think I’m distracting you from the fact that I’m showing off, by being silly.)


It’s all a big joke to me: facebook, instagram, life, twitter.  Nothing I ever post is of a serious nature, nor will it ever be; even if I’m dying of a terminal illness, you can take my word that I will always use social media in a light-hearted manner, because I refuse to turn to the internet for comfort (except for porn; oh yes, porn is definitely an exception).

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I believe that if you’re constantly involved with social media, then you’re actually becoming less social.  Don’t agree with me?  Next time you’re at a party, bar, book reading club, or whatever the hell you do to fraternize, look around and see who is having more fun: the people socializing, or the losers who burry their noses in their phones.

With all of that being said, I love when I get likes; they’re like crack, except I don’t have to get on down my knees in a back alley for them.  The more likes I get, the more elated I feel…for about ten minutes.  Then, my post gets lost in the newsfeed, people stop caring, and it’s back to reality.  Back to sucking.  This is why Dan Ray Sucks, and if it’s obvious that you not only seek, but also crave online attention, then you suck, too.

Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-fb/tweet/just tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums–I don’t care, just do it.
-Finally, make love, not likes.